Not a fan of poetry

But a fan of poets.


i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)



E.E. CUMMINGS

Spilling my guts

Having scoliosis is more than just having a curvy spine. I feel it. I feel it every moment of every day of my life. I feel the twist. I feel the curve. I feel my hip awkwardly protruding to the right. I feel the discomfort when I stand "normally." I can't remember a time when I couldn't feel it... only I suppose when I was a kid but who pays attention to a structurally normal spine as child? Or who pays attention to a structurally normal spine at all??

My brother likes to call me a hypochondriac. He's got a point. Any little mark on my body seem likes an infected rash that needs immediate medical attention. Sometimes I suspect this little birth mark on my back grows and I think I may have skin cancer from all those years swimming in AZ. Whenever I get bitten by a mosquito or a spider, my skin inflates like a balloon so I'm pretty sure I have an extra allergic reaction to bug bites that may require a steroid shot in the bum. It's laughable right? Seems a bit crazy, I know. But I finally understand why I'm so paranoid.

I know things could be a whole lot worse. I know I'm lucky to have a functioning body and beyond that a wonderful life. But it is hard having scoliosis and I wish so badly I didn't have it. The thought of going through another medical journey like I did with my back frightens me to death. I understood from the age of 11 that I am not indestructible. I understood more or less that my future was that of spinal uncertainty, a long horrid drawn out process of not knowing. And being in this uncertainty is awful. I'm not too keen on being a time bomb you know. I think what I'm trying to say is that my back and its possibility to get worse as the years go on has caused me to think about the rest of my body and its possibility to get worse. Anyway, I suppose because I don't want anything else to go wrong, I freak out the moment something does and my uncertain nerves take the reigns diagnosing simple cuts as infected gashes or moles as malignant skin cancer.

I don't want a pity party, I don't like complaining and I don't want to come off weak. I'm healthy and just fine. I promised I would write more so how did you like that spoon full of my guts?

Boohoo I want to cry

Sigh. I'm supposed to be detached from money... so doesn't that mean I can spend 575 dollars on these beauties???? Boohoo I'll try to justify it someday. Nordstorm.

Brown sugar soul

Motivation - Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne


Get It Together - India Arie


You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse


How To Love - Lil' Wayne

State of Denial

My voicemail message says something about how I'm in Ecuador and that I'll probably never get the message so email is the best bet on contacting me. Every time someone leaves me a voice message they say the following: "Maryam, time to change your voicemail!! You're not in Ecuador anymore!" And every time I hear that, I cringe. I push it aside and I focus on something else. I'm in a state of denial that goes way deeper than just resisting the fact that I'm here and not there.

I don't dream often. When I do dream it's either some really REALLY weird shiz or those deep inner concerns I don't dare face when I'm conscious. The other night I dreamt I was someone else (some old friend) who ran into myself after years of no contact. It was a couple of years in the future but I looked somewhat the same, maybe a bit more tired from studying. I (as the friend) asked myself how the Baha'i activities were and then the perception switched. I was myself again, looking at an old friend, too ashamed to answer the question. I was completely distant from Baha'i activities and God.

It was easy concentrating on being a Baha'i day to day in Ecuador... but it's another thing transferring that to my sweet home. And my way with dealing with it is not dealing with it. But that habit will change of course and my state of denial will change of course and that dream will never be a reality of course. It's just frightening... it's not easy being a Baha'i. We're not called the spiritual descendants of the Dawn-Breakers for nothing.

SO ANYWAY my big point is that my blog is a reflective tool and since I've been in too much denial to do any retrospective/reflecting - I've really slacked on dear old blogger. But trust me - school is starting in a week so I'll be taking any chance to procrastinate :P

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings

My buddy Artemis plays Coltrane at the office as he performs angiograms for patients. He also taught me how to take color photos today with the angiogram camera. Have I mentioned how much I love it here??

I'm now taking OCTs, doing histories, and taking eye pressures. I'm learning SO much, it's incredible and I'm enjoying myself thoroughly.

Besides that, I've been telling new from Maryam's imagination bed time stories to my cousins. Last night I told Juliet and Maya a story about a pink unicorn named Stacey who learned how to fly from her teacher Mr. George the Happy Monkey where they lived in a land of purple grass and blue tree trunks and yellow and teal polka dotted leaves with rainbow skies and glitter rain. To say my girl cousins are girly girls is an understatement.

Once I told my cousin, Max, a story about a Purple Dragon named Steve who searched far and wide for good qualities but got deceived by Sam the Green Serpent. In the end, Steve, the Purple Dragon, found those beautiful qualities hidden within himself. Hahahah! I know I got Aesop Fables on that one.

Maybe tomorrow night I'll tell them a story about a young girl who traveled to a crazy city and got stuck playing hair salon and monopoly and house and play doh and computer games and reading stories with three crazy (but beautiful) kids. :P

Bluety and the Beast

My four year old cousin Juliet (Juju) has pictures of Disney princesses all over her pink painted flower decorated room walls. She used to call Beauty in Beauty and the Beast "Bluety" and the only way to avoid a water-works-tantrum show when it's bedtime is to tell her that only princesses brush their teeth.

Today was cool.
1. Scoliosis doctor. I'm doing fine.
2. Layli's improv show. She was so great.
3. Harry Potter Exhibit. Acquisition of the Marauder's Map :)
4. Froyo with the kids.
5. I finally cleaned my room.
6. Saw this picture of my students/friends from Otavalo graduating :)

I'm not sure what's going on with me and you, Mr. Blog. Maybe I'm so tired and exhausted I can't be bothered to say hello. It's not you, it's me. Maybe we should take a break? I just feel like we're going in different directions here.

Just kidding - I'll be back in the swing of writing and posting pretty pictures of well styled skinny photoshopped unrealistic women soon. LIKE RIGHT NOW

The following is an nice summary of my style. Olala I sound so posh having a "style" lol. Today I saw the rainbow belt Emma Watson wore as Hermione in the Prisoner of Azkaban and I drooled. That belt sparked my first interest in the beauty and art and fun in fashion.

thisisglamorous

She was 14, I was 13. Sigh. I even went to Target and bought a rainbow belt just like it. I love her. And her costume designer for that movie.