Spilling my guts

Having scoliosis is more than just having a curvy spine. I feel it. I feel it every moment of every day of my life. I feel the twist. I feel the curve. I feel my hip awkwardly protruding to the right. I feel the discomfort when I stand "normally." I can't remember a time when I couldn't feel it... only I suppose when I was a kid but who pays attention to a structurally normal spine as child? Or who pays attention to a structurally normal spine at all??

My brother likes to call me a hypochondriac. He's got a point. Any little mark on my body seem likes an infected rash that needs immediate medical attention. Sometimes I suspect this little birth mark on my back grows and I think I may have skin cancer from all those years swimming in AZ. Whenever I get bitten by a mosquito or a spider, my skin inflates like a balloon so I'm pretty sure I have an extra allergic reaction to bug bites that may require a steroid shot in the bum. It's laughable right? Seems a bit crazy, I know. But I finally understand why I'm so paranoid.

I know things could be a whole lot worse. I know I'm lucky to have a functioning body and beyond that a wonderful life. But it is hard having scoliosis and I wish so badly I didn't have it. The thought of going through another medical journey like I did with my back frightens me to death. I understood from the age of 11 that I am not indestructible. I understood more or less that my future was that of spinal uncertainty, a long horrid drawn out process of not knowing. And being in this uncertainty is awful. I'm not too keen on being a time bomb you know. I think what I'm trying to say is that my back and its possibility to get worse as the years go on has caused me to think about the rest of my body and its possibility to get worse. Anyway, I suppose because I don't want anything else to go wrong, I freak out the moment something does and my uncertain nerves take the reigns diagnosing simple cuts as infected gashes or moles as malignant skin cancer.

I don't want a pity party, I don't like complaining and I don't want to come off weak. I'm healthy and just fine. I promised I would write more so how did you like that spoon full of my guts?

Boohoo I want to cry

Sigh. I'm supposed to be detached from money... so doesn't that mean I can spend 575 dollars on these beauties???? Boohoo I'll try to justify it someday. Nordstorm.

Brown sugar soul

Motivation - Kelly Rowland ft. Lil Wayne


Get It Together - India Arie


You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse


How To Love - Lil' Wayne

State of Denial

My voicemail message says something about how I'm in Ecuador and that I'll probably never get the message so email is the best bet on contacting me. Every time someone leaves me a voice message they say the following: "Maryam, time to change your voicemail!! You're not in Ecuador anymore!" And every time I hear that, I cringe. I push it aside and I focus on something else. I'm in a state of denial that goes way deeper than just resisting the fact that I'm here and not there.

I don't dream often. When I do dream it's either some really REALLY weird shiz or those deep inner concerns I don't dare face when I'm conscious. The other night I dreamt I was someone else (some old friend) who ran into myself after years of no contact. It was a couple of years in the future but I looked somewhat the same, maybe a bit more tired from studying. I (as the friend) asked myself how the Baha'i activities were and then the perception switched. I was myself again, looking at an old friend, too ashamed to answer the question. I was completely distant from Baha'i activities and God.

It was easy concentrating on being a Baha'i day to day in Ecuador... but it's another thing transferring that to my sweet home. And my way with dealing with it is not dealing with it. But that habit will change of course and my state of denial will change of course and that dream will never be a reality of course. It's just frightening... it's not easy being a Baha'i. We're not called the spiritual descendants of the Dawn-Breakers for nothing.

SO ANYWAY my big point is that my blog is a reflective tool and since I've been in too much denial to do any retrospective/reflecting - I've really slacked on dear old blogger. But trust me - school is starting in a week so I'll be taking any chance to procrastinate :P