Having scoliosis is more than just having a curvy spine. I feel it. I feel it every moment of every day of my life. I feel the twist. I feel the curve. I feel my hip awkwardly protruding to the right. I feel the discomfort when I stand "normally." I can't remember a time when I couldn't feel it... only I suppose when I was a kid but who pays attention to a structurally normal spine as child? Or who pays attention to a structurally normal spine at all??
My brother likes to call me a hypochondriac. He's got a point. Any little mark on my body seem likes an infected rash that needs immediate medical attention. Sometimes I suspect this little birth mark on my back grows and I think I may have skin cancer from all those years swimming in AZ. Whenever I get bitten by a mosquito or a spider, my skin inflates like a balloon so I'm pretty sure I have an extra allergic reaction to bug bites that may require a steroid shot in the bum. It's laughable right? Seems a bit crazy, I know. But I finally understand why I'm so paranoid.
I know things could be a whole lot worse. I know I'm lucky to have a functioning body and beyond that a wonderful life. But it is hard having scoliosis and I wish so badly I didn't have it. The thought of going through another medical journey like I did with my back frightens me to death. I understood from the age of 11 that I am not indestructible. I understood more or less that my future was that of spinal uncertainty, a long horrid drawn out process of not knowing. And being in this uncertainty is awful. I'm not too keen on being a time bomb you know. I think what I'm trying to say is that my back and its possibility to get worse as the years go on has caused me to think about the rest of my body and its possibility to get worse. Anyway, I suppose because I don't want anything else to go wrong, I freak out the moment something does and my uncertain nerves take the reigns diagnosing simple cuts as infected gashes or moles as malignant skin cancer.
I don't want a pity party, I don't like complaining and I don't want to come off weak. I'm healthy and just fine. I promised I would write more so how did you like that spoon full of my guts?
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It was a delicious spoon full and I thank you for not using the word dollop because it bothers me so much.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, this is a beautiful post. This is pure, raw emotion. I am sure you know this already, but this idea is something that keeps me going–we are never tested beyond our means. The fact that you stay powerful and optimistic in light of your "spinal uncertainty" is a testament to your own growth as a person. My dear, remember that "even if the swords of the enemies rain blows upon thee and all the heaven and the earth arise against thee," we are called by God to be a "flame of fire" and a "river of life eternal." Do not doubt your potential; do not doubt who you are.
You are Maryam May and you are a Bahá'í.
Though your physical spine may not be like "the spine of a book" where "the pages are all banded together... and without [which] the papers would become loose and scattered" (Letter from Bahiyyih Khanum), your spiritual spine is a pillar "immovable and fixed," a rock which "must weather every storm and survive every calamity" and "without which no sound super-structure can be built."
As I read every day when I visit this page, "As ye have faith so shall your powers and blessings be." Remember that "this is the balance, this is the balance, this is the balance!"